I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
