Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
