Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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