Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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