Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
