she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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