Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
