yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
In other news, I just burned my penis
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
