what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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