Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
