Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
