dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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