I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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