Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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