guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
