Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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