Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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