I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Randomize