he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
