well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
