Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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