he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
