he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
