our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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