We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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