I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
