I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
