I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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