so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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