dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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