The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
