How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to make out with him forever
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
