her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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