Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
