I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
