there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
