Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
