My sheets look like a crime scene.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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