Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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