Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
