so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize