I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
