Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
