I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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