What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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