I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
