How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
