Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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