So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
