when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
