ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
