I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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