I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
