thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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