I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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